Ouch

Gosh.

Don't you just hate it when the preacher preaches something and your face feels hot the entire time, or you feel as though you cannot swallow past the guilt lump in your throat.

I know I do.

Ouch. It actually, physically hurts. But can be so beneficial.

Good thing about it, it is eye opening and such an amazing opportunity to take what you have heard/that you are guilty of and make it right.

Well, I didn't get preached at last night. Nope. I was just laying with my boys like I do every night to get them to sleep and I ran across this article. PLEASE, momma's, stop right now and take the time to read this.

I laid there trying to deny it was me, but.... I had the same feelings that I get when I just know the preacher is preaching to me.

My heart started swelling and beating faster. I started sweating. My face turned red. I felt as though I could not swallow past the lump in my throat.

Was I missing my boy's childhood???

The answer was hard to take in and it's even harder to admit to you guys.

YES!

I am :'-(

I was guilty of not 1, not 2, not even 3 of the list it gave, but almost every single one. I felt like such a failure.

Each night, I lay in the bed with the boys after we read and I nurse Webb. I lay in there until both boys are asleep though and I ALWAYS play on my phone. I use it to stay awake in all honesty and also because I am addicted to it!

I catch up on FB, on blogs, on things I was wanting to research throughout the day, on email, on my HayDay Farm, etc.

I do get irritated with the boys when they take longer than an hour to fall asleep. Last night, Webb fell asleep quickly, but Dane kept tossing and turning. I had lots to do when I got up and I felt my aggravation growing. I kept snapping, "Lay down, Dane!" "Do you want me to get up?" "Quit bouncing up and down or you will wake Webb up!" Then I would look back at my phone.

After I finished reading this article, I felt HORRIBLE!!! I glanced over at my big boy (Webb was in between us) and he was curled up on his side looking at me with a sort of longing.

I could have wept right there. I stood up and walked around to where he was. I laid my phone on the other side of the bed, face down. I snuggled up to him as close as I could get. His entire body relaxed against mine. He smiled and hugged me.

My heart broke into a million pieces.

Why would I trade this each evening for my PHONE?!?!?!? WHO CARES IF I FALL ASLEEP!!!???

I whispered in his ear, "Dane, tell mommy to put her phone down sometimes." He didn't say anything and I just started crying. I said, "I love you more than I love my phone. Don't you ever forget that. I'm sorry that I don't act that way."

He turned to me and just wrapped his little arms around me as tight as they would go.

He was so happy.

He then whispered back to me, "I'm not sleepy. Can we get up and watch cartoons?" I had so much I needed to do, but I said, "Yes!"

We got up and snuggled on the couch. Even daddy came in there with us.

I made popcorn and we all snuggled and watched a movie.

During the movie, I left my phone in the kitchen.

You may remember I told you I played on my farm at night, Hay Day. Dane loves it and I limit what he can do because I have earned points and I work towards goal, etc. (I know! I know! It sounds SO stupid and silly! But it really is addicting.) While we were snuggled on the couch last night I told Dane that Hay Day was now only his and I wouldn't be playing it anymore. He said, "You mean I can do anything I want on the farm?" I told him yes and he said, "YES!!! I don't ever have to ask you again!"

It's all yours Dane!

I am making a promise, a vow if you will, to myself and to all of my readers---

I am going to NOT miss my boys' childhood.

They are WAY more important to me than some dumb phone, fb, my blog, my email, or stupid apps!

I do not ever want them to feel like I treasure my electronic device more than I do them, what they are saying ,or what they want to engage me in.

I am vowing to leave my phone away from me (or keep it with me when I am on call for a client, but to not be actively on it) and to not check on certain things ALLLLLL day long. The same way I limit my children's screen time, I will be limiting mine.

I want to be an intentional mom. I want to play with them. Read with them. Teach them. Talk to them. Cherish them. In 20 years, I don't want to have a better relationship with my phone, than I do them!

So, thanks mom, for posting that article. Even though it hurt to read and hurt even more to admit I was that mom, I desperately needed to read those words. I am vowing to start doing things differently from this day forward!

-Side note-- Webb is asleep and I allowed Dane some screen time before we read ;-) I haven't already broken my vow!

They are precious, aren't they!

POPCORN AT OUR HOUSE:

I keep the kernels in this nice glass jar. I love glass and I love the look of popcorn, so it is part of my kitchen "decor".

 We keep 1/4 cup measuring cup in there and you put one scoop in a brown paper bag. Roll the top up one or two times and microwave it like you would any popcorn.

When it is finished, while it is still in the bag, I add coconut oil and sea salt and shake it around a good bit.

How much coconut oil? A big dollop!

You cannot go wrong with coconut oil! SOOOOO many wonderful health benefits including helping to lose fat!

There is my big boy, anxiously waiting on his popcorn for a late movie!