It's Not You, It's Me

Let me first start by saying, this blog has been on my heart for weeks (probably more like months) now.

I have prayed about the best way to word it and wondered if it was being too transparent or not.

It has remained on my heart as I prayed and as the days have passed by.

So, here it is.


Ever heard the phrase, "It's not you, it's me".

Come on, I'm sure we all have. Or. Maybe, we have used the phrase, "It's not you, it's me".

One day, not to long ago, I realized I was unhappy. Life, or more accurately, my marriage was not the marriage I dreamed of having when I was a little girl.

It wasn't a bad marriage. It just wasn't what I had always planned for my marriage. You know, as a little girl when you spend hours upon hours, possibly years, of your life playing house and dreaming of your future life.

I had expectations.

That I expected met.

I came into my marriage with expectations and ideas about what this wonderful thing called marriage would be like.

My Prince Charming would be a romantic, light-hearted, hilarious, not easily upset, patient, helpful, and so much more.

Not from time to time, but always.

He would always be those things.

He would always be trying to swoop me off my feet.

Always be trying to make me fall more and more in love with him.

Always at my service.

It was like a ton of bricks knocking me down to realize one day, it wasn't. And. Judging by my husband, probably wouldn't ever be.

As a young girl, I dreamed that when you are married, you go to bed every single night snuggled up. I love to snuggle. My husband hates it. He used to stick a body pillow in between us at night so we wouldn't accidently touch. After years of marriage, I one day told him what I had dreamed as a little girl, and he agreed to move the pillow, but to still stay on opposite sides ;-) That made me feel so loved though. It took me time to see that him not wanting to touch me, or be all touchy feeling didn't mean he didn't love me, it meant he didn't like physical touch. (huge red flag to me-- That is NOT his love language! LOL.)

But seriously, that expectation was a huge let down.

I also dreamed that my husband would play practical jokes on me. We would have this hilarious marriage where one of us was always waiting on the next practical joke. We would just laugh and laugh together, all the time. Well, I married Mr. Serious himself. He HATES, despises, gets very angry with practical jokes. He is mature and there are very few people he is immature with. I do not fall on the list (for the most part)..

That expectation was a huge let down.

Those are just 2 of the expectations I came with in marriage. But, you get the idea. Pretty much, the things I wanted, he wanted the polar opposite. We were/are completely different. As night and day.

I struggled with that. I cried angry tears in the shower. I prayed God would change him. I treated Brent differently. I had a bad attitude. I was easily offended. I was always quick with a sharp, sarcastic, mean tone.

I soon turned into the wife that I wasn't when I played house for all that time growing up. I just didn't realize it.

One day, I had this conversation with God where I was crying out to Him, "Why me??? Why did you put him with me? We are so different. How can we ever truly be happy when we are like night and day???"

When all of the sudden, I heard the words of my dad (that I believe God reminded me of) that he told me when I was struggling one time with a difficult person.

"God doesn't just put easy people in our life. Some of the most difficult people we will ever encounter will be people in our family or people we must see and interact with every single day. That's not by accident, Abby. God puts those people in our life to mold us and shape us into the person He wants us to be. We shouldn't be angry with God for that. We should humble ourselves and ask God to use that person to make us who He wants us to be."

And then, whoa!

I was like, "Wait a minute, God. You mean, You aren't going to be changing him?!?!?! You are going to be changing me?!?! But, there is nothing wrong with me."

And that, my friends, was the awakening for me. It was like God slapped me with a holy two-by-four.

I am the problem.

I may not be the entire problem and Brent may not be innocent, but I am the majority of the problem.

Here I am, trying to fix and change and manipulate Brent to be who I want him to be instead of allowing him to be who God made him to be.

That is a serious problem.

Along with doing that, when he doesn't act the way I want him to, I become an introvert. Give him the silent treatment. Make him pay for not being who I want him to be. Get easily offended. Have smart, sarcastic remarks.

No wonder we are not happy?

I am making everything soooooo much worse.


To change this marriage, I must change ME. Not Brent.

Hold up, I get it. "It's not you, it's me".

After this revelation. Yes, after. --- Side note, I believe that God works this way many, many times. He works and moves after we show faith. He doesn't do it so we show faith, He proves Himself when we have chosen to trust against all odds. He has done that soooo many times, many times in the form of finances for us, but after we decide to trust God for something impossible, THEN He makes the way totally possible. I feel like if He showed us the possibility beforehand, we wouldn't be practicing faith.

So, after this revelation, God revealed TONS of Christian marriage blogs that were not aimed on fixing your spouse, but on fixing yourself. They linked up to other Christian marriage blogs and I found myself spending my evening researching, praying, and begging for forgiveness from God.

Our preacher began a marriage series (that has been AWESOME!!!!!!! I cannot recommend this enough and if you are interested in this, let me know. I will send you the link to listen to them online. We still have one marriage series sermon left and it is tomorrow.) after my epiphany. The first few were on husband's, but I still walked away feeling like, "If my husband is supposed to love me like that, I shouldn't make it hard for him, and I have been. I need to be the wife I am called to be before my husband can love me like that."

In Bible study, we studied the Fruit of the Spirit for about a week. How convicting that was. Did I exhibit any of that Fruit (notice singular. I don't get to pick and choose which Fruit I want, they come together!) in my marriage??

Galatians 5:22-23

King James Version (KJV)

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

²³ Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Let me just be a little bit more transparent and say, No, I didnt. 

So, after I realized, "It's not you, it's me" is when God began pouring resources in my lap to change me.

One of my favorite tidbits I found on a blog, that I remind myself of often is this:

*I chose him
*I can't change him
*I didn't marry a girl

How true is this? So often, we forget these things. Or at least, I do.

So what are some of the obvious things I began doing differently (and believe me, this is a huge work in progress. I have not mastered this yet. I still fail daily.)

1) I began praying over areas I was dissatisfied with instead of trying to change Brent or these issues on my own. Hello? Me vs. The Holy Spirit??? Why would I ever try to win that one. First of all, I can't and second of all, it is exhausting and depressing to attempt to all the time. I don't have what it takes and I am not called to. I pray about it and leave it at the feet of Jesus. This has been especially helpful when I want to have a snide comeback or a sarcastic remark. I try, that means I don't always do it, but I try to bite my tongue, pray, and ask God to mute me, change me, and use me.

2) I realized that one of us isn't right and the other wrong. We are just different and that is exactly how God made us (another lesson from dad). I also try to figure out what is upsetting me the most and use that to decipher what God could be trying to change about me. This is so not fun ;-) or easy!

3) I love him in spite of his flaws. This might have been the biggest awakening I had. Why should I expect perfection when I am no where close? I am telling you, I don't think I realized I wasn't a perfect wife until I had this epiphany. That is so sad, I know.

4) I laugh with him everyday. Even if he is sleepy, grumpy, in a serious mood, etc. I try my absolute hardest to find something humorous and for us to laugh together about it (and we have been laughing together SO much!!!). Used to, I would get offended that he wasn't in a silly mood like me or something and there would be no laughing from either of us ;-)

5) Don't be so offensive. You probably get that from #4. I used to wait for opportunities to get offended.

(You must be wondering by now how I thought he was the one who needed to be changed and we aren't finished yet, not even close!)

6) This sort of goes with #3, but...

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Matthew 7:3 KJV

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? NIV

...don't focus on all this flaws and fail to notice my own.

7) I should treat him better, not even equal, but definitely not worse than I treat my friends, kids, strangers, etc. He is top priority. I should never show more love and respect to a friend than I do to Brent.

8) I should respect my husband. Always. Not just when I think he deserves it. That respect should bring about submission which I should do joyfully.  

Ephesians 5:22-33

King James Version (KJV)

²² Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
²⁴ Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

9) Let things go. If he upsets me or whatever, just let it go. Don't try to get the last word, or the last hurt in. Just let it go.

10) Practice what I read in my Bible and from godly women in the blogs I am reading and what I am learning at church in the marriage series and from Bible study. Truly study it and put it into practice. 

11) Don't get upset when he isn't the person I think he should be. Realize and even appreciate that God is working on him, not me. God works at a different pace than I might like. That is ok.

12) Put his needs ahead of my own. Pamper him. Take care of him. Make him feel special, adored, loved.

13) Don't talk bad about my spouse to anyone. Period. Lift him up. I found this to be so helpful on the days I wanted to vent to someone, instead, I found one good thing to say about Brent and I am telling you, my entire perspective on my husband would change.

14) Remember that divorce is not an option. I didn't come from a broken home (PTL), but Brent did. He and I never want our children to face divorce and everything that comes along with that. Brent's stories just break my heart when I see Dane or Webb's face behind them. Together, we have agreed, divorce is NEVER an option. So, with that on my mind, I need to work at this marriage like my life depends on it. Because technically it does. If I am in this for life. My life depends on it.


Can I just say, "WOW!" Our marriage has been so wonderful lately.

I give all the honor and glory to God and I take NO credit here.

I feel like I could bust with love for my husband. I am overwhelmed how much our marriage has changed since I began allowing God to chisel at me and mold me.

Months ago... this text would not have transpired between us.

I truly do believe God gave me Brent to mold and make me into the wife, mother, and woman that He wanted me to be. I stand amazed at how far we have come in such a short time frame.

Please don't think I am saying I have this whole wife thing down, because I DON'T. I fail daily. Satan knows what I am passionate about and what I am working on and believe me, he attacks me daily! He wants to see us fail and I will never give him the satisfaction! I am not trying to say, "do it like me and everything will be hunky dory!" This blog post has really and truly been on my heart and I almost didn't write it because I didn't want to come across as "holier than thou" or "she thinks she is so perfect!".

I am trusting someone needed to read this and hear my story.

I will leave you with this. I actually read it on a friend's blog a looooong time ago and printed it off because I loved it so much! I taped in where I could see it daily, but obviously, didn't take it to heart. I remembered this piece of paper that was still packed away as I sat to blog this morning. I need this reminder. Maybe you do too.

A good wife:
Advises her husband on every important matter, and often restrains him from hasty speech.. receives him weary, discouraged, irritable, and sends him out again strong, hopeful, sweet-tempered. The woman is the shadow and the man stands in the open, and it is not until the woman dies and the man is left alone that the people or he himself knows what she has been.
A true wife is the husband's better half, his flower of beauty, and his heart's treasure. In her company he finds his earthly heaven; she is the light of his home and the comfort of his soul.



I love you, babe! I am so thankful you are mine. I can't wait to grow old with you and fall more and more in love.