New Locks

Sex.

Yes, this blog post it going to be about sex. If you are my mother, my MIL, or any other private person who gets uncomfortable reading about sex and you don't want to know what I'm going to say about sex, log off now. Do you like how I used the word SEX many times?!?!

When you're husband is gone 24 hours at a time and exhausted more often than not when he isn't at work, you are forced to get creative. Now, don't freak out!

Not those creative details.

Creativity in keeping sex a priority.

It generally goes something like this in our household:

We keep recorded shows the boys like on our DVR. Brent will turn one on and we escape.

More often than not, there is a knock (or 15) on our locked door.

The dialogue goes like this (almost to a T).

KNOCK KNOCK

Brent: What???

Dane: Where's mommy?

Brent: She's pooping (or taking a shower or outside in the backyard with Rosie). I'm trying to sleep so go away and she'll be out in a minute.

Dane: But I NEED her.

Brent: She'll be out in a minute. Go watch cartoons.

Dane: I want to go in there with her while she poops.

Brent: No, I'm trying to sleep. Mommy will be out when she is finished.

HEAR FEET WALK AWAY


OR:


KNOCK KNOCK

Brent: WHAT?

Webb: Ummmm, Daddy.

Brent: Yes?

Webb: Whatchew doing?

Brent: Trying to sleep. Go away and watch cartoons.

Webb: UNLOCK DA DOOR!!! I TAN'T GET IN!!!!

Brent: I'm sleeping.

Webb: Why?

Brent: I'm tired. Now go watch cartoons.

Webb: Why?

Brent: Just go.

Webb: Why?

Brent: Go get your monster trucks ready to play with me.

Webb: Ok.

HEAR FEET WALK AWAY. THEN, HEAR MANY LOUD CRASHES OUTSIDE OUR BEDROOM DOOR.

BANGING ON THE DOOR WITH LOUD OBJECTS

Webb: DAAAAADDDDDDY!!!! I got my monster trucks. COME PLAY!!!!!



This is no joke. If we get through with no door knocks, it is a rare and happy day!

So, a few weeks ago.... after the dialogue with Dane that went very similar to what is above, the door opens up.

YEAH.

As in, we were having sex (you know, where you don't have on clothes and you are not under any covers!) and we both heard the door open.

We jump around and fumble every which way possible grabbing anything that could be used to cover us up (and I will NOT even tell you what position it was!!!!!!)!

We see Dane.

Dane walks over to the bed and jumps up. He shows us a quarter and says, "SEEEEE? I got a quarter and unlocked the door myself."

I hide my head in shame because I am supposed to be pooping (also, I was laughing uncontrollably). Brent and Dane go back and forth where Dane asks many times, "What are you doing????". He ends up telling Dane that I am putting him to sleep and I'll be out as soon as Daddy is sleeping.

As he is walking out, Brent yells, "And lock the door behind you!!!!"

I go out and sit with him on the couch afterwards.

Me: Hey, buddy. (trying to figure out how to start this convo.)

Dane: Mom, why was your door locked?

Me: About that, you do NOT ever unlock mommy and daddy's door when it is locked. You can wait for us to unlock it.

Dane: But, why?

Me: Because mommy's and daddy's need alone time sometimes and there is a reason the door is locked.

Dane: But, I needed you.

Me: What for?

Dane: I needed a cheesestick.

Me: Well, you could have gotten that yourself.

Dane: But mommy, why were you and daddy naked together on the bed?

Me: (SHOCKED!!!!) Dane, do not EVER unlock our door again. Do you understand me?

Dane: Yes, mam.

Then I got up so he would not see me laughing.

It was pretty funny actually and Brent and I joke many times about the horror he will face one day when we give him the sex talk.

OH.MY.SOUL!!!! THAT is what my parents were doing and THAT is why my mommy poops and I can't sit in front of her while she does it!!!!


Fast forward a few weeks. Dane has not unlocked our door anymore. He still knocks and drives us crazy. I mean, he begs for cartoons alllllll day long. I am strict on when and how much they can watch. We save them for special times in hopes they will SIT there and watch them. It never fails. They never just sit and watch if we are behind closed doors.


Yesterday, I actually had Thomas on (Webb's very favorite). Not 5 minutes later, he was banging our door down.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

Brent and him went back and forth and I stayed quiet.

He walked away and then, we heard something. The door opens up and Webb is holding a "key" and he said, "Na-Na Boo Boo. I unlock the door!"

ARE YOU SERIOUS????

Now, our 2 year old can unlock them also???

It has now been decided, we are investing in some new locks! There is no privacy for mommy and daddy! And one day, I am going to pay them back and tell them all these stories!!!!!!!



How about you guys??? Any embarrassing stories you've got to share? Come on! Share them and make me feel better ;-) OR... Better yet!!!??? How do you keep the kids out?