Or at least, I did/do.
The fear of the all the possibilities used haunt me.
Used to keep me laying away for hours at night in panic mode.
What if he gets kidnapped?
What if he gets lost?
What if he falls down brick steps?
What if I fall down brick steps holding him?
What if he chokes in his carseat and I don't know and he dies?
What if I have a wreck and the car hits me on the side he is on?
What if someone molests or sexually abuses my son?
What if someone sneaks into my house during the night and kills my son?
What if my son gets hit by a car because he is running out into the street and I see it happen?
What if he drowns and I find his lifeless body?
What if he is with a grandparent and something terrible happens?
What if....
What if....
What if....
It can be crippling.
The fear.
You may have read about one of the things that allowed me to not live in fear in this post. It really hit home when we will dealing with Webb's liver.
A book called, "The Power of a Praying Parent" addresses soooo many of the fears I faced as a mom. This book saved me and years of worry and sleepless nights. It taught me how to pray. It taught me when to pray.(Which by the way, is right now for every single fear that enters your mind concerning your child.)
I also have figured out after covering them in prayer, some of the best ways to protect my child from these terrible things is to teach them.
So, when Dane was probably 18 months old, Brent and I addressed a very serious issue with him.
We were giving him a bath and his innocent, little, naked body that I adored and pinched and kissed all over suddenly brought fear.
Fear of molestation or sexual abuse hit me like a ton of bricks.
I knew I had to start the process of warning him.
It wasn't even discussed prior to that night. I just began talking to Dane about it and Brent did also.
We just told him, "Dane, if someone ever tries to touch your goober, you yell, 'DON'T TOUCH MY GOOBER!!!!!' and smack their hand away and run as fast as you can away from them. Come and tell mommy and daddy. You won't ever be in trouble! Never ever ever will you get in trouble. You will be so brave and mommy and daddy will high 5 you and say, 'Good boy for coming to tell us!!'"
We made it age appropriate, but we talked about it often. As he grew older, we would tell him things like, "If mommy and daddy aren't around, you tell another adult."
During many many bath time sessions, we rehearsed, "ok, what do you do if someone touches your goober?" We would play out scenarios and we would always say, "Will you get in trouble? Is it your fault?" We ALWAYS emphasized, you will never be in trouble. You will be the good boy!!!!
We talked about how during bath time it was ok for mommy and daddy or a grandparent to help wash their goober, but no touching was allowed.
Sexual molestation and/or sexual abuse just doesn't really happen to those we know though... so I'm just preparing him for absolute worst case scenario....
Is what I would tell myself.
Before Dane's 3rd birthday.... I learned of some family secrets (on both sides of my family-- not Brent's). I found out 4... that is FOUR... 4 women in my family have have been sexually abused.
Four women I know and that I'm close to.
Not four distant relatives. Four women I see all the time. Four women I grew up around. Four women who kept these deep, dark, horrible secrets all to themselves and then they were suddenly revealed.
They kept quiet because they were scared.
They felt guilty.
They didn't want to get in trouble.
Four women in MY FAMILY.
My family.
In my family.
My family?
No.
No.
NO!!!
This doesn't happen to people I know.
This is some horrible thing that happens to strangers.
No.... it's not. It happens everyday in homes all across the world. To children in your church. To children in your child's class. To children in your neighborhood. To children in your own family. By people (most of the time) that they know and trust.
Maybe, it happened to you.
The ladies in my family were all molested by people (men) in their family. *** Side note! It probably does not need to be said, but I will go ahead and say, none of those animals are in our life nor allowed around my children.
Their family members, people they trusted, loved, adored took away their innocence.
Changed them forever.
Four women in my family.
It changed the way we were teaching Dane (and now we have started the process of teaching Webb).
We have added things such as, "What about if it is an adult? What if it is an old man? What if it is another mom or dad? That is like mommy? Daddy? Granddaddy? Aunt ManMan? What if it is someone in your family? What about if they tell you not to say anything?"
We have also started saying things like, "No one is allowed to ever mess with or touch your butthole. No one is allowed to ask you to touch their goober or their butthole." and because Dane is getting older, we also say things like, "you will know if it is wrong. If it makes your feel weird or scared or sad, tell mommy and daddy or an adult that is around. And ALWAYS scream, "NO!!!!!" to that person as loud as you can.
We try to think of every possible scenario because we want to train and teach our children, God forbid this ever happened, but we want them to know what to do and by all means, WE want to know.
We don't want them to be afraid to tell us.
We don't want them to think it's their fault.
We don't want their fear to keep that going on and on for possibly years.
I try my hardest to have an "open" relationship with my boys.
I know they are young, but even now, there is no topic that is not allowed.
We discuss EVERYTHING (as I'm sure you have figured out).
I have covered this topic in prayer and I don't want to live in fear of the possibilities of what could happen because of my new knowledge of what did happen.
But, it is my job to protect. To listen to my gut. To train. To be comfortable saying, "no" myself if something comes up and I don't want my child a part of something for an unknown reason to me.
We have set some rules and boundaries as parents.
We decided a long time ago we didn't like the idea of our children spending the night with friends.
Brent and I both thought about the trouble we got into and many times, it was with friends... when we spent the night.
We just want to set up the rules and boundaries to start with.
As of right this second, our children are only allowed to spend the night with grandparents. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins, and no friends.
Their friends and cousins are welcomed to spend the night here, but our boys will stay with us.
And sometimes, it is not just friends you are worried about.
Sometimes it is family.
You know (or don't technically, but I mean, come on) what goes on over there and you aren't comfortable letting your children spend the night over there.
This makes it easy.
Plus, we want our boys to be very family oriented.
We want them with us on weekends.
Once you start the spending the night habit, it is a weekly want.
Trust me, I remember.
We are even picky with letting our kids go places to play (more in the neighborhood or other odd places). We have strict rules. If my gut says "no" then I say no. There is always a reason you feel uneasy, mom.
Don't worry about what the other parents think of you.
Be comfortable enough to say, "I'm a weird mom" (people already know that about me! HA!) "and we just don't let our kids ___________."
Know you are protecting your children and doing what is right.
When in doubt, don't!
If there is anything you glean from this post, I hope it is this:
1) Teach your children about inappropriate things. You don't have to go into dirty details. Make it age appropriate. But teach them. Give them the knowledge and comfort of knowing how to handle wrong situations. Give them assurance that coming to you is not only right, it is what you want them to do. Assure them they will never, ever be in trouble.
2) If your gut is saying, "Hmmmmm.... I don't know about this." or you feel nervous, uneasy, or anxious about letting your kid go somewhere or do something or be friends with someone outside of church/school/extracurricular/etc., don't let them. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We don't know who comes and goes at friends houses (older children, relatives, grandparents, sexual offenders). We don't know how mom and dad treat each other or talk to their children. Maybe they even do illegal drugs or have dirty mouths or don't enforce seatbelts. Follow your gut. Trust your instinct. God will guide you to do what is right. If you want, use me as an excuse. "My friend has this blog and she has me all paranoid and I really hate that, but we just don't let our kids do __________ anymore." I don't care.
3) Cover them in prayer. This is a terrible, ugly, nasty world. Our babies need prayer on many levels. I also encourage you to buy the book by Stormie O'Martin-- The Power of a Praying Parent. You can find it on Amazon for around $10. Begin covering the life of your child in prayer. Learn how to handle fear for your children. There is no one who loves your child more than Abba Father. We do what we can for our kids, but ultimately, we leave them at the feet of Jesus and realize that they are His and we've been entrusted with them. He loves them so much and I cannot keep them in a bubble. I will do the best I can to protect them and educate them though and then leave the rest up to Him.
4) Realize that sexual molestation/abuse is prevalent. It happens everyday. More often than not, a family member, someone the child loves and trusts will be guilty. Don't be naive. Be alert. Be aware. Watch for signs. Watch for body language. Don't be fooled and think family is always safe. They aren't. If you are comfortable and your child is age appropriate, ask him or her. Let them feel safe, loved, and unashamed to be honest and open with you. Open the door and give them the opportunity to let you know of anything that has happened or any questionable behavior. Know a child will feel guilty, embarrassed scared to get in trouble or to get that family member in trouble, dirty, etc. They must feel safe to admit such a thing. Make your home safe. Fill it with love. Allow your kiddos to know they can come to you for anything and you will never love them less.
I hope none of you have been affected by something like this. If you have, I pray you have been able to be honest with someone you love and trust. A spouse, a parent, a friend, a pastor. Know you are not guilty. You are a victim. You are innocent. You have been mistreated. You probably need counseling and a good dose of love and understanding. I pray you get that, my friend.
If you are a parent reading this and your precious child has suffered sexual abuse of some kind and you already know it, please, don't blame yourself. It is not your fault. It does not mean you failed as a parent or did not do everything in your power to protect your child. Remember, sometimes, tragedy is senseless. Awful things happen to children at times that parents cannot prevent.
I read an article yesterday on a blog about the suicide of Rick Warren's son and I hope you find comfort in some of the tidbits below:
When we hear about grieving parents it can be so tempting to try to assign blame, because if they aren’t to blame, then we have to grapple with the reality that sometimes, tragedy is senseless. This is an uncomfortable truth: awful things happen to children that parents cannot prevent. It’s a truth so painful that we would rather throw grieving parents under the bus than face it. Searching for a familial reason for Matthew’s suicide allows us to believe that if we can avoid their mistakes, we can feel confident that mental illness will never ravage our own child. We assuage our anxiety with the false notion that, if we do this parenting thing right, our child will be spared from ever struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts.
Let's pray for those grieving parents if you know them. They need healing as well and possibly, counseling. Most importantly, they need love.
Much and love and prayers for my readers and their kids.
Used to keep me laying away for hours at night in panic mode.
What if he gets kidnapped?
What if he gets lost?
What if he falls down brick steps?
What if I fall down brick steps holding him?
What if he chokes in his carseat and I don't know and he dies?
What if I have a wreck and the car hits me on the side he is on?
What if someone molests or sexually abuses my son?
What if someone sneaks into my house during the night and kills my son?
What if my son gets hit by a car because he is running out into the street and I see it happen?
What if he drowns and I find his lifeless body?
What if he is with a grandparent and something terrible happens?
What if....
What if....
What if....
It can be crippling.
The fear.
You may have read about one of the things that allowed me to not live in fear in this post. It really hit home when we will dealing with Webb's liver.
A book called, "The Power of a Praying Parent" addresses soooo many of the fears I faced as a mom. This book saved me and years of worry and sleepless nights. It taught me how to pray. It taught me when to pray.(Which by the way, is right now for every single fear that enters your mind concerning your child.)
I also have figured out after covering them in prayer, some of the best ways to protect my child from these terrible things is to teach them.
So, when Dane was probably 18 months old, Brent and I addressed a very serious issue with him.
We were giving him a bath and his innocent, little, naked body that I adored and pinched and kissed all over suddenly brought fear.
Fear of molestation or sexual abuse hit me like a ton of bricks.
I knew I had to start the process of warning him.
It wasn't even discussed prior to that night. I just began talking to Dane about it and Brent did also.
We just told him, "Dane, if someone ever tries to touch your goober, you yell, 'DON'T TOUCH MY GOOBER!!!!!' and smack their hand away and run as fast as you can away from them. Come and tell mommy and daddy. You won't ever be in trouble! Never ever ever will you get in trouble. You will be so brave and mommy and daddy will high 5 you and say, 'Good boy for coming to tell us!!'"
We made it age appropriate, but we talked about it often. As he grew older, we would tell him things like, "If mommy and daddy aren't around, you tell another adult."
During many many bath time sessions, we rehearsed, "ok, what do you do if someone touches your goober?" We would play out scenarios and we would always say, "Will you get in trouble? Is it your fault?" We ALWAYS emphasized, you will never be in trouble. You will be the good boy!!!!
We talked about how during bath time it was ok for mommy and daddy or a grandparent to help wash their goober, but no touching was allowed.
Sexual molestation and/or sexual abuse just doesn't really happen to those we know though... so I'm just preparing him for absolute worst case scenario....
Is what I would tell myself.
Before Dane's 3rd birthday.... I learned of some family secrets (on both sides of my family-- not Brent's). I found out 4... that is FOUR... 4 women in my family have have been sexually abused.
Four women I know and that I'm close to.
Not four distant relatives. Four women I see all the time. Four women I grew up around. Four women who kept these deep, dark, horrible secrets all to themselves and then they were suddenly revealed.
They kept quiet because they were scared.
They felt guilty.
They didn't want to get in trouble.
Four women in MY FAMILY.
My family.
In my family.
My family?
No.
No.
NO!!!
This doesn't happen to people I know.
This is some horrible thing that happens to strangers.
No.... it's not. It happens everyday in homes all across the world. To children in your church. To children in your child's class. To children in your neighborhood. To children in your own family. By people (most of the time) that they know and trust.
Maybe, it happened to you.
The ladies in my family were all molested by people (men) in their family. *** Side note! It probably does not need to be said, but I will go ahead and say, none of those animals are in our life nor allowed around my children.
Their family members, people they trusted, loved, adored took away their innocence.
Changed them forever.
Four women in my family.
It changed the way we were teaching Dane (and now we have started the process of teaching Webb).
We have added things such as, "What about if it is an adult? What if it is an old man? What if it is another mom or dad? That is like mommy? Daddy? Granddaddy? Aunt ManMan? What if it is someone in your family? What about if they tell you not to say anything?"
We have also started saying things like, "No one is allowed to ever mess with or touch your butthole. No one is allowed to ask you to touch their goober or their butthole." and because Dane is getting older, we also say things like, "you will know if it is wrong. If it makes your feel weird or scared or sad, tell mommy and daddy or an adult that is around. And ALWAYS scream, "NO!!!!!" to that person as loud as you can.
We try to think of every possible scenario because we want to train and teach our children, God forbid this ever happened, but we want them to know what to do and by all means, WE want to know.
We don't want them to be afraid to tell us.
We don't want them to think it's their fault.
We don't want their fear to keep that going on and on for possibly years.
I try my hardest to have an "open" relationship with my boys.
I know they are young, but even now, there is no topic that is not allowed.
We discuss EVERYTHING (as I'm sure you have figured out).
I have covered this topic in prayer and I don't want to live in fear of the possibilities of what could happen because of my new knowledge of what did happen.
But, it is my job to protect. To listen to my gut. To train. To be comfortable saying, "no" myself if something comes up and I don't want my child a part of something for an unknown reason to me.
We have set some rules and boundaries as parents.
We decided a long time ago we didn't like the idea of our children spending the night with friends.
Brent and I both thought about the trouble we got into and many times, it was with friends... when we spent the night.
We just want to set up the rules and boundaries to start with.
As of right this second, our children are only allowed to spend the night with grandparents. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins, and no friends.
Their friends and cousins are welcomed to spend the night here, but our boys will stay with us.
And sometimes, it is not just friends you are worried about.
Sometimes it is family.
You know (or don't technically, but I mean, come on) what goes on over there and you aren't comfortable letting your children spend the night over there.
This makes it easy.
Plus, we want our boys to be very family oriented.
We want them with us on weekends.
Once you start the spending the night habit, it is a weekly want.
Trust me, I remember.
We are even picky with letting our kids go places to play (more in the neighborhood or other odd places). We have strict rules. If my gut says "no" then I say no. There is always a reason you feel uneasy, mom.
Don't worry about what the other parents think of you.
Be comfortable enough to say, "I'm a weird mom" (people already know that about me! HA!) "and we just don't let our kids ___________."
Know you are protecting your children and doing what is right.
When in doubt, don't!
If there is anything you glean from this post, I hope it is this:
1) Teach your children about inappropriate things. You don't have to go into dirty details. Make it age appropriate. But teach them. Give them the knowledge and comfort of knowing how to handle wrong situations. Give them assurance that coming to you is not only right, it is what you want them to do. Assure them they will never, ever be in trouble.
2) If your gut is saying, "Hmmmmm.... I don't know about this." or you feel nervous, uneasy, or anxious about letting your kid go somewhere or do something or be friends with someone outside of church/school/extracurricular/etc., don't let them. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We don't know who comes and goes at friends houses (older children, relatives, grandparents, sexual offenders). We don't know how mom and dad treat each other or talk to their children. Maybe they even do illegal drugs or have dirty mouths or don't enforce seatbelts. Follow your gut. Trust your instinct. God will guide you to do what is right. If you want, use me as an excuse. "My friend has this blog and she has me all paranoid and I really hate that, but we just don't let our kids do __________ anymore." I don't care.
3) Cover them in prayer. This is a terrible, ugly, nasty world. Our babies need prayer on many levels. I also encourage you to buy the book by Stormie O'Martin-- The Power of a Praying Parent. You can find it on Amazon for around $10. Begin covering the life of your child in prayer. Learn how to handle fear for your children. There is no one who loves your child more than Abba Father. We do what we can for our kids, but ultimately, we leave them at the feet of Jesus and realize that they are His and we've been entrusted with them. He loves them so much and I cannot keep them in a bubble. I will do the best I can to protect them and educate them though and then leave the rest up to Him.
4) Realize that sexual molestation/abuse is prevalent. It happens everyday. More often than not, a family member, someone the child loves and trusts will be guilty. Don't be naive. Be alert. Be aware. Watch for signs. Watch for body language. Don't be fooled and think family is always safe. They aren't. If you are comfortable and your child is age appropriate, ask him or her. Let them feel safe, loved, and unashamed to be honest and open with you. Open the door and give them the opportunity to let you know of anything that has happened or any questionable behavior. Know a child will feel guilty, embarrassed scared to get in trouble or to get that family member in trouble, dirty, etc. They must feel safe to admit such a thing. Make your home safe. Fill it with love. Allow your kiddos to know they can come to you for anything and you will never love them less.
I hope none of you have been affected by something like this. If you have, I pray you have been able to be honest with someone you love and trust. A spouse, a parent, a friend, a pastor. Know you are not guilty. You are a victim. You are innocent. You have been mistreated. You probably need counseling and a good dose of love and understanding. I pray you get that, my friend.
If you are a parent reading this and your precious child has suffered sexual abuse of some kind and you already know it, please, don't blame yourself. It is not your fault. It does not mean you failed as a parent or did not do everything in your power to protect your child. Remember, sometimes, tragedy is senseless. Awful things happen to children at times that parents cannot prevent.
I read an article yesterday on a blog about the suicide of Rick Warren's son and I hope you find comfort in some of the tidbits below:
When we hear about grieving parents it can be so tempting to try to assign blame, because if they aren’t to blame, then we have to grapple with the reality that sometimes, tragedy is senseless. This is an uncomfortable truth: awful things happen to children that parents cannot prevent. It’s a truth so painful that we would rather throw grieving parents under the bus than face it. Searching for a familial reason for Matthew’s suicide allows us to believe that if we can avoid their mistakes, we can feel confident that mental illness will never ravage our own child. We assuage our anxiety with the false notion that, if we do this parenting thing right, our child will be spared from ever struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts.
It’s comforting, but it is a lie. A lie we fuel through speculation at the expense of grieving parents.
--we want to find a way to exclude the possibility that something bad could befall our children. I will admit here that I’m not immune to this impulse. When something horrific happens to another child, I find myself quickly cataloging the details, trying to find something that would make the tragedy exceptional . . . some slip-up that the grieving parent made along the way that would comfort me from a concern that it could happen to me. I’ve done it when I’ve heard about infant death . . . I’ve scrambled to figure out if the parent was doing something wrong. Was there some rule they failed to follow that would assuage my anxiety about my own child’s mortality? I found myself doing this as I watched the Sandusky trial as well — quickly casting aspersions on parents of the victims for their lack of discernment. Let's pray for those grieving parents if you know them. They need healing as well and possibly, counseling. Most importantly, they need love.
Much and love and prayers for my readers and their kids.
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