A Letter to my Oldest

Dear Dane,

I can't believe you turned 5 yesterday. It was such a bittersweet day. I only broke my promise to not cry one time and it was first thing in the morning. I was making breakfast and you came around the corner with a balloon in your hand, crazy hair, rubbing your eyes. I swear you looked like you grew overnight. You said, "Mom, there are balloons all in my bedroom." I got all choked up and said, "That's because today you are finally FIVE!!! (we had been counting down) Happy Birthday, my big boy!"

The night before, I was busy blowing up balloons, getting your present ready that you would open first thing in the morning (big boy boxers and new socks. You are into angry bird and angry birds StarWars so both the boxers and socks were that.), and hanging up streamers. It was late and I should have been in bed. I heard you get up. You came in the hall and said, "MOM!! I can't sleep!" I had so much to do and wanted to tell you to go on and lay back down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hid all my supplies and took you back to bed.

I snuggled up next to you and started playing with your hair. It was then at that moment that I realized I would never ever snuggle with you as a 4 year old again. I also realized there would be a day that you wouldn't need me to snuggle up with you like that or most likely, wouldn't even let me. That is when I broke down. I sobbed laying there next to you. I whispered how much I loved you and how thankful I was to be your mommy. Then, I tried my hardest to go back to the day you were born. I tried to remember my labor and pushing you out. I tried to picture what you looked like as a newborn and how you felt like in my arms. I went to each age in my mind and tried to remember certain things you had done, or said, little mannerisms you possessed. You know what, it was so hard to do. My mind hasn't kept up with all of that. That made me cry harder. I laid there with you the night before your birthday, overwhelmed with love for you and still, after 5 years, amazed that you really are mine.

On your actual birthday, the day was devoted to you. Daddy took off of work just to make you feel extra special and loved. We had breakfast and took Webb to stay with Gammie. We went shopping so you could pick out your presents, had lunch at Chick-fil-A, went to Nana's work so you could scare her, bought Webb some presents, went to the Etowah Indian Mounds and walked around for hours, and then went to the park to let you play with your new toy. We ended the day eating out for your birthday with both sets of your grandparents.

First thing in the morning

Blowing out 5 candles on your birthday pancakes

Very excited about your complimentary milkshake after lunch.

Etowah Indian Mounds

I loved this little patch of trees. You really enjoyed being here with just mommy and daddy and we loved having special time with you.

Peeking out at me from an Indian house

Long walk up to the Chief's mound.

Look at those muscles on a FIVE year old!

The Birthday boy with Gammie and Granddaddy!

Waterproof Camo BOGS you have been begging for.

The blue and silver (very specific) scooter you just had to have!

The Birthday boy with Nana and Papa

We had such a great day with you!

Dane, mommy and daddy love you so much. You have grown up and changed so very much during this last year. We look at you with such amazement and love. Just a few days before your birthday, daddy and I were talking about you and we both agreed, we didn't deserve a son as wonderful as you.

You are so big, obedient, kind, smart, determined, brave, independent, and polite. You strive to obey the rules and you love to please us. Sometimes, you crave discipline. You need boundaries. You work best with them. You love having rules and knowing what is expected of you. There will be days when you are acting horribly. You are disrespectful, disobedient, and straight up bad. Neither daddy nor I enjoy disciplining you (we both still cry when we do), but man! If we just do it, you are a brand new kid. You seem to love us more and have a happier demeanor. You thrive when we show you love by showing you we care about you and love you enough to not let you do certain things.

You just started a new chore program and you are super proud of yourself for all you accomplish and are capable of accomplishing. I have to admit, I am proud too. I am also appreciative. You help me out more than you know and you are a wonderful example to your brother.

If there is anything I want you to know in life it is this:

You were not a planned baby. You caught mommy and daddy both by surprise. BUT, you, my sweet angel, were not an accident. God created you. He made you. God sent you to us. He knew we needed you. He knit you in my womb and made you unlike anyone else. You are exactly the way you are supposed to be. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You look exactly the way you should look. You are the most perfect Dane Brenton Wilkey in the whole entire world and there is no one, NO ONE, like you.

I still remember when I saw you that first time. I was un-wed mother and living a sinful life. I took one look at you and asked God, "Why did you make me his mommy? He doesn't deserve me. He is perfect and innocent and deserves the absolute best. Poor, poor baby that he got me." That is when I made the resolution (the day you were born) to be what you deserved. I knew I had to change. It wasn't an option. I vowed to God to raise you right. To teach you the truths of God's Word and to turn from my sinful ways in order to give you the best life I could. You deserved to be protected and sheltered from this world and the way I was living wasn't going to do that. You deserved to be taught about how much Jesus loved you and how He died on the cross to make it possible for you to go to heaven. I just knew I had to see my sweet baby in heaven one day and it was up to me to teach you and raise you right. I did start changing and Dane, I've told you a million times and I'll tell you again, God USED YOU to change me. Your life is so important and God has so many wonderful plans for you. From your first breath here, God has been using you. You drew me back to the Lord. You really are my angel baby and I love you so fiercely and so deeply that it hurts.

I am honored to be your mom. You make me proud everyday and although you turning 5 does make me want to sit down and cry, I choose to rejoice. I rejoice because you are healthy, thriving, growing, learning, and you continue to help me become the woman and the mommy God has always intended me to be.

I love you, my sweet baby! I look forward to watching you grow up this year even more. I am your biggest fan.

Love always,

Mommy