Day 3

Today I am supposed to list my 8 fears. Of course I have fears, but trying to come up with 8 for this was really hard. So here is what I fear:

1) Something bad happening to my kids. It started the minute I had Dane. I literally had nightmares about him when he was one day old. I remember asking my mom if that meant something was wrong with me. It made me feel like a bad mom to dream and fear the things I was. I remember vividly dreaming, when he couldn't have been more than 2 days old, that I was carrying him up steps and for some reason, I dropped him. I woke up in a frenzy, shaking and crying. I was so scared/upset that I had let something bad happen to him. And I would lay awake at night and think up crazy possibilities of what could happen to him one day. I finally had to learn that I needed to give my son over to the Lord and trust Him with Dane (and now with Webb). That does not mean that I don't think about it from time to time. They are my world. I am their mommy and they are my responsibility and so from time to time (especially when I hear horror stories of other things happening to kids) I fear what could happen to my precious babies. I honestly don't know what I would do if something horrible happened to one of them. I guess that is why it is #1 on my fears.

2) I'm always afraid that I'm going to upset someone, or someone won't like me. Yes, I know, not everyone is going to like me and I may do something or say something from time to time that someone gets upset about. However, that doesn't mean I want to, or like when it happens. I always weight how people will react to what I do or say. (Silly fear, I know!!!)

3) I am petrified of cock roaches. It started when I was living in Kennesaw in my own apartment. I was alone there one night and there was this MASSIVE cock roach on my blinds right next to my bed. I literally flipped out!!!! I called my dad screaming and crying. I was so hysterical that my mom, sister, and sister's boyfriend who were sitting in the same room as him, heard me and thought I had been raped or something awful. I could not calm down. The thing flew (it was a palmetto) and was so huge and disgusting. After a battle in which pictures fell off the wall, picture frames got knocked down, and I fell off my computer chair and the thing went sliding across the room and busted into the wall, I am happy to announce that I killed the dadgum thing! With hairspray and a broom no-less! I put a cup over it and the next day, my daddy drove an hour to come pick it up and get rid of it (Yes! He is the GREATEST!!!)! I still couldn't sleep that night with that nasty dead body in my room! Here is what one of those horrible things look like. They literally invaded my apartment!!!!

3) I am afraid of heights.

4) I am scared to be at home (without Brent but sometimes even with him home) at night and have the curtains open. I know. I know. The likelihood of someone sitting outside my house and waiting to "watch" me is ridiculously slim, but I'm still too scared to leave them open!

5) I am scared to death of snakes. Those slithery, nasty things freak me out even from behind glass at the aquarium.

6) This may fall under the first one I have, but to me, it's a fear of it's own. I am so very scared of wrecking my car into a body of water and my kids being trapped in their car seats. I saw an episode on The Dr's one day and it was about this very topic. It showed scenarios and I almost had a panic attack watching it. The pressure from being underwater makes breaking through the glass or opening the car door near impossible. I've begged Brent ever since watching that to buy me this keychain thing that you put against your window and with one tap, it breaks your windshield so you can bust out. I just envision my boys scared to death in the back seat and me swimming like a mad woman to unbuckle both car seats and bust out of the car with both boys. WHY?????????? I don't know! But I'm scared just typing this.

8) I am so afraid that one day I might become "unhealthy". I'm scared I might get lazy or in a rut or burnt out on exercising and eating good, whole, healthy food. I think that's why I've worked so hard to make it my lifestyle. So many people are truly unhealthy- those that are skinny and overweight. Junk tastes so good but NOTHING good comes from it. Being lazy and not working out sometimes sounds better than getting up from my cozy bed and hitting the gym, but NOTHING good comes from it. I want to be healthy until the day that I die.

Tomorrow is 7...... hmmmm.... I can't remember, but 7 something :D