Motherhood

A word I longed to experience my whole life. If I got asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wanted to be a mommy. I didn't want a "job", I wanted kids. I am a mother at heart. My sister-in-law and I were talking about it last night. I have the desire to nurture and "mother" within me. It is part of who I am. Being a mother brings me so much joy and happiness. Motherhood isn't all fun and games though. It is hard work. It can be exhausting work. It can leave you feeling like a failure after a night of arguing and pleading and fighting and screaming from a THREE year old. It can make you question things you thought you knew the answers to. It is an intense job, one you never get a break from. BUT, for all of you who don't have kids yet.... I promise you, that good totally and completely wins over the bad. We have been having some trials with Dane these days. I find it amazing however, that the happiness, laughter, pride, love, joy, fun, excitement, etc. outweighs the trials. Dane..... he is our first born. Our little angel who came to this earth and helped redirect me and Brent. He is absolutely amazing and adorable. I can't believe how much unconditional love I have for him. When he was born, I questioned the fact that he could ever do wrong. I would never need to spank him. Maybe give him time-out, but not spank. He was so precious. So tiny. So innocent and perfect. My sweet, little, angel baby (I still call him this too). How could people feel frustration with their children??? I had no idea. Then.... Dane started growing up. He started developing his own little personality and will, a strong one at that. Don't get me wrong, there are days and times when I still think the things I thought when he was first born. I guess parts of me will always feel that way about my children. Through the years, Dane has got into his fair share of trouble. He has gotten time-outs, spankings, and warnings. He has pleaded with us to not spank, screaming, "yes mam" or "yes sir" at the top of his lungs.

This past weekend we were at my in-laws. It was time to get ready to head home and Dane decided to he needed to see who was boss. It was literally one of the worst experiences I've ever had as a mother. It's no secret that Dane has an attitude. Anyone who has seen his "Soap Sally" face knows that much. He can be mean and nasty. He wants to win everything. Every battle. Every argument. Even every suggestion. I don't even remember what started it now, but it turned into an all out war. He was screaming at me and Brent. Not a high pitched scream, but a deep one. His face would turn blood red and he would ball his fists up on either side and poke his head out as far as he could to make sure and get his point across. In his mind, he was the boss and we were not about to tell him what to do. He would be telling us what to do. I was so shocked by his outburst. Brent immediately took him to the bedroom to spank him. The whole way there, Dane screamed, "DON'T SPANK ME!!!! YES SIR! YES SIR!!! YES SIR!!!!!!!". That always breaks my heart. Brent talked to him and spanked him. You would think he would come out humble and ready to obey. Right??! WRONG. He came out guns blazing. When he came around the corner and saw us, he went at us again. Screaming at us. Face blood red, fists balled up. Then, when Brent said to get back into the bedroom, he ran from Brent. Seriously??! I was shocked. Brent took him back to the bedroom and spanked him again. This happened 4 times. By the 4th time, I looked at my in-laws and wanted to weep. I felt exhaustion to my very tips. I also felt like a failure. Where have we gone wrong? Why was he acting like this? If this is how he is acting at 3, how in the world will we make it through adolescents? So many thoughts were running through my mind. I have no doubts that this would have continued for round 5, 6, who knows, maybe 7. But my mother-in-law went in and talked to Dane. Even that didn't work. He was still screaming and still had an attitude. While she was in there, I began to pray. Pray for us as parents and for our children. It was such a long and hard night. I made up my mind to pull out my book, "The Strong-Willed Child" the next morning and start reading it.

I got up early on Sunday morning and did just that. I sat in the recliner with my coffee and my highlighter and started reading. The first chapter I knew without a doubt that we were indeed dealing with a "strong-willed" child. Like I really had any doubt. The book said, "Why do some children, particularly those who are strong-willed, have such a pugnacious temperament? One of the simplistic answers is that it reflects the admiration boys and girls have for strength and courage." Ok, what is pugnacious? I decided to google it and the definition alone should have had Dane's picture. It said, 1) Combative in nature 2) Belligerent 3) Eager or quick to argue, quarrel, or fight. 4) Having the appearance of a willing fighter. Seriously, that is Dane in a nutshell. If you know Dane well, you know this too. The book also says that with a strong-willed child's attitude, they are saying, "I don't think you are tough enough to make me obey".  Strong-willed children care deeply about "who's toughest". Another thing I found interesting was when it said, "... there is something deep within his soul that longs for control". That is so Dane. I love this book. It talks about how having a strong-willed child doesn't make you a "bad" parent and having a compliant child doesn't make you a better parent. The book said that parents of strong-willed children feel "great guilt and self-condemnation" and "they blame themselves for the tension that arises". Also that, "parents of compliant children don't understand their friends with defiant youngsters." Another great point in here, "I must make it clear that the compliant child is not necessarily wimpy or spineless. That fact is very important to our understanding of his nature and how he differs from his strong-willed sibling. The distinction between them is not a matter of confidence, willingness to take risks, sparkling personalities, or other desirable characteristics. Rather, the issue under consideration here is focused on the strength of the will."

So, as I'm sure you can tell. I need this book. This book already has helped me understand Dane a little better. It has also scared me a bit because I'm pretty sure that Webb has a stronger will than Dane does. Oh boy! I am so grateful for resources such as this and the Bible to help us parent the way Christ wants us to. That is my ultimate goal. I want Dane (and Webb) to use his strong-will to bring honor and glory to the Lord. I want it to be a positive attribute in his life, not a negative one. We can only do it with the Lord's help. When each of our boys were born, we went before the church and dedicated them to the Lord. It was a way of saying, "Lord, I know and understand that this child is yours and you have lent him to me to raise." The Lord has entrusted us with these precious boys and it is our responsibility to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The biggest thing I took from the book so far is a prayer I plan on praying from this day forward for my boys and that is, "Lord, please allow Your Holy Spirit to conquer his strong will while not destroying his spirit, because that is what makes Dane (and Webb) who he is."